Looks like I’m back at it again, and I’m hoping that consistency will come along with this blog at some point. I already know what I’m going to write about before I even start, which is more than I can say about 001 aka my over-long, rambling “introduction” to this blog. Today’s topic is the most commonly discussed topic, but the most (in my mind, anyway) intricate and confusing topic that there ever was, and probably ever will be: love.
At 20 years old, I really can’t say if I’ve ever been “in love.” Everyone’s definition of love is different, and if I think that I was in love with someone, there is probably someone somewhere else that thinks the emotions I felt were not “real” love. Honestly, who are other people to say what love is, or who you are supposed to love? Looking back on my past relationships, I can say that I have experienced what I believe to be love. However, both these times the relationships were challenging, dysfunctional at their best, and ended negatively for me. Why?
As human beings, we are constantly subjected to emotional hazards. Heartbreak, disappointment, embarrassment, etc.: all of these things can lead you into a downward spiral if it hits you hard enough. Some people avoid these hazards by never letting their guard down, never having any expectations, or whatever. I seem to seek them out. Don’t ask me why I fall in love with the people who treat me badly, because I don’t know the answer to it. Sometimes I try to analyze myself and think that maybe I do this because I want to seek out the positive attributes. I fall for people who are unhappy, because I want to make them happy. I fall for people who are struggling, because I want to help them. I fall for people who are broken, because I want to fix them. I can’t remember the saying right now, but I think it’s something about breaking a mirror and cutting your hands all up while you try to put it back together. I would say the mirror is a good metaphor for every relationship I have ever truly invested emotion in. Sure, I’ve broken my fair share of hearts, I can’t claim innocence. Maybe all my bad love life luck is just my batch of karma coming to bite me in the ass. Maybe I’m just such a masochist that I fall for people who hurt me just because I don’t want to be in a successful relationship - I just want to be miserable and alone forever. I choose none of these options, personally, but then again I also think I little too highly of myself sometimes.
I like to think that the people I fall for are not bad people. I like to overanalyze the things that they do, and make excuses for them. The fact of the matter is that when you’re sleeping with a guy, you pay his rent, and drive 200 miles to see him - he should probably treat you like a princess, right? In my life, this was the perfect opportunity for him to hook up with someone else. In front of me. Whatever, that’s in the past (lol like a week ago), but the point is that so many people just write it off as “he’s an asshole,” or “you could do better.” The real question is, though, do I want to do better? I don’t think of this person as an asshole. Sure, he acts like one sometimes. I can’t say I’m a fan of the way he treats me or acts sometimes, but there are the shining moments. If you’ve ever been in a relationship, you know what I’m talking about. Sometimes, when you’re with someone, you just have this moment. This click, where you look at someone and just think to yourself, “Wow, I am so in love with you.”
What I want to know is, how many times can a person act like an asshole before the shining moments you had of them start to get tainted? I feel like no matter how many times someone you love is an asshole to you, all you need is that one shining moment just to convince yourself to hold on. Sometimes, you should let go. I think the hardest part of love is knowing what relationships to let go, and what relationships to fight for.. or whether you should even have to fight for the so-called right relationship at all.
I haven’t spoken to him a few days.. since Wednesday to be precise. I’m wondering if I’m a masochist because I still want to, or if I’m just in love. Maybe a little of both, maybe neither, but tonight I’ll go to bed with dreams of the shining moments that I tell everyone I don’t care about. This is my secret.
"We ignore the ones who adore us, and adore the ones who ignore us."